Surgery Eve and a random story

24 hours from now I should be tooting up a storm in the hospital.

I can’t believe it’s Surgery Eve.  Last day of my 2 week liquid diet – which has been challenging – I will never drink a vanilla or chocolate milkshake ever again.  Not that I did often anyway, but still, Optifast ruined them for me.  Sure, it might sound like fun to drink milkshakes for 2 weeks, but wow that shit gets old fast.  I seriously miss CHEWING!  And I don’t particularly like Taco Bell, but I’ve seen a commercial for their $5.00 box of questionable meat products wrapped in carbs and holyshitballsbatman I want it!!

Food is an addiction.  I know this for sure.  I have dreamed about hamburgers, I’ve avoided driving down 10th St in case I get stuck at the light in front of the KFC and at the scented mercy of 11 herbs and spices, and I’ve cheated a bit.  A few crackers and chicken breast here and there.  I beat myself up over it, and then just dealt with it and moved on.  It’s all I can do.  Here’s the thing- we NEED food.  Take heroin for example (not literally dummy) – it’s not advertised on tv (unless you’re watching Intervention), it’s not on billboards and it’s not vital one’s basic existence.  Food is.  It’s EVERYWHERE.  This might be a big deal to some people, but when food has been your best friend for years, it’s tough to break up and go cold turkey.  But it’s done.  One more shake tonight and that’s that.

So other things I’ve learned the last couple of weeks, besides my new found dislike of milkshakes is that when one gets the opportunity to pee – take it. I learned this the hard way on Thursday.  I was leaving work and should have darted into the ladies room, but decided to just wait as I was going right home.  Until I got I the car and the gas light came on.  So while I was filling up at CanuckyTire, I noticed the largest bird shit on my car, like seriously I was concerned for the bird.  I decided to go through the car wash.  I must have forgotten my need to pee, but oh shit did I remember as soon as I got stuck in the lineup.  I was committed to the line, no escape – all I could do was pray the guy in front of me didn’t go for the super deluxe 10 minute deal, but yeah – he did.  Did I mention the sound of water?  Yeah, that doesn’t help.  Finally got my turn and pretty much willing myself to not ruin the leather seats – although I did have a moment pondering what I’d need to do to clean them should the Hoover Dam break.  Thankfully the sound of the dryers started and I may have chirped my tires as I sped out of there, managing to bypass KFC’s aroma and get myself home.  Ever notice the need to pee is 10x worse as soon as you attempt to unlock the front door?  And why is it cats know to run directly in front of you all the way to the loo?  And why does a once simple button and zipper suddenly become a Houdini trick involving dance moves?  Made it though.  Moral of the story?  Listen to the call of nature!

Alright – I’ve WAY overshared.  Just you wait – I’ll probably have some good tooting stories after surgery that’ll put the above to shame.  I know – you’re holding your breath aren’t you?  Wise idea.