So Gandalf & I go shopping together…

It’s weird being in a body you don’t quite recognize.

I ‘ve often said my weight gain was to create an armour – protection against being hurt, being noticed and an effort to be invisible.  Well bit by bit, the armour is falling off.  People notice it more now in my face, and oddly my arms.  It makes me chuckle when I read peoples faces.  I can tell they notice something has changed, but can’t quite figure it out.  Is it her hair?  No, it’s still as wild as ever.  Might be the new jeans?  Maybe.  Those happened out of necessity!

Speaking of jeans, shopping is a bit nerve racking.  I’m down 2 sizes since August, which means my “tried and true” go-to outfits no longer fit – which is a good thing!  I’m happy to see clothing I’ve HAD to wear go in a bag and off to Value Village.  What do I mean by had?  Well when you’re plus-size, there’s only so many stores you can shop in, and unfortunately the majority of “designers” are either men, never been overweight themselves, or just don’t care.  Most plus-size clothing is expensive too, compared to regular size stores.  As a result of being banished to the back right corner of women’s stores, in a see of horizontal stripes (seriously?), giant floral print (garden camouflage) and black – I really had zero sense of style.  I just wore what fit, didn’t look too hideous, and hopefully looked nice.

Well that is slowly changing.  I was in a store that had both plus and regular sizes, and found that I wasn’t fitting in my usual sizes anymore.  So I ventured over to the regular sizes.  No-woman’s land.  I can’t really explain it unless you’ve lived it – but it’s a bit daunting.  I was sure the voice of Gandalf would make me pee my too big jeans (and underwear) with a “You Shall Not Pass!”  Didn’t happen (would have been cool if it did though!).  I kept expecting the sales lady to pop out of the sweater display to tell me to get back to the right corner amongst the clothing with X’s on it.  Didn’t happen.  I kept looking at the other shoppers, expecting the incredulous looks of “what the hell is SHE doing here?”  Didn’t happen.  Nope, none of it happened.  I was actually able to shop and FIT into clothes I wanted.  WANTED!  Ok I couldn’t afford them but whatever, that’s not the point, I was finally able to enter a realm of shopping possibilities that has been closed to me since the days of Chip & Pepper.  Yes, that long ago.

I do have a style.  It’s slowly developing, but yeah, there’s a definite rocker chick in me.  Perhaps a bit of a bohemian too.  Jeans are for sure my jam.  I will never wear (gasp) SLACKS again.  Typing “slacks” makes me think of another funny word – “brazier” (giggle), something else I’ve had to buy.  Kinda cheesed that my girls are shrinking but should I ever want to start jogging, I might end up with just a fat lip rather than a black eye.

It’s fun discovering who I am again.  More importantly not just what clothes do I fit in, but how does this new me fit into the world?  Fun adventures ahead, and without the armour!

Random list of weight loss thoughts…

Oookay.  So this is just a bunch of random thoughts, success, observations and things….

• Saying goodbye to 4 prong bras.
• Having to buy new underwear because the old ones hang funny and look like I pooped my pants.
• Realizing I have clavicles.
• Lost a chin somewhere.  I do not want it back.
• My ass fits in Muskoka chairs – no more fear of standing up with a chair stuck to my ass.
• I don’t like cottage cheese.
• Sunbutter is THE shit, especially on Ryveta.
• Scrambled eggs are icky now.
• My boobs are shrinking.  I’m actually a bit sad about this.  Nowhere to balance my tea cup when lying down.
• My bed is uncomfortable now – missing the extra padding.  Well, not really MISSING per se… but sleeping in eludes me.
• Senior citizens appreciate my “good mornings” and waves as I walk around Owen Sound.  My middle finger and “fack you buddy” not as much.
• Owen Sound has a zombie.  I see him all the time.  Tall, skinny and walks without his arms moving.  Creeps me out.
• Little dogs have barked and attempted to bite more than big drooly dogs.  Little dogs also run fast when I start barking back.
• I miss guzzling water.
• I don’t miss junk food – I know the difference between habit, need and head hunger.
• I have a bunch of 2x and 3x clothing for sale including a killer faux leather jacket & denim jacket.
• My shoes are loose.  Shopping might need to happen.
• I am losing weight a little at a time.  It’s hard to get used to accepting that this is really happening.  That the weight is coming off – it’s not just a fluke.  Believing that this is only the beginning – the best is yet to come.

More randomness I am sure will come…

Surgery Eve and a random story

24 hours from now I should be tooting up a storm in the hospital.

I can’t believe it’s Surgery Eve.  Last day of my 2 week liquid diet – which has been challenging – I will never drink a vanilla or chocolate milkshake ever again.  Not that I did often anyway, but still, Optifast ruined them for me.  Sure, it might sound like fun to drink milkshakes for 2 weeks, but wow that shit gets old fast.  I seriously miss CHEWING!  And I don’t particularly like Taco Bell, but I’ve seen a commercial for their $5.00 box of questionable meat products wrapped in carbs and holyshitballsbatman I want it!!

Food is an addiction.  I know this for sure.  I have dreamed about hamburgers, I’ve avoided driving down 10th St in case I get stuck at the light in front of the KFC and at the scented mercy of 11 herbs and spices, and I’ve cheated a bit.  A few crackers and chicken breast here and there.  I beat myself up over it, and then just dealt with it and moved on.  It’s all I can do.  Here’s the thing- we NEED food.  Take heroin for example (not literally dummy) – it’s not advertised on tv (unless you’re watching Intervention), it’s not on billboards and it’s not vital one’s basic existence.  Food is.  It’s EVERYWHERE.  This might be a big deal to some people, but when food has been your best friend for years, it’s tough to break up and go cold turkey.  But it’s done.  One more shake tonight and that’s that.

So other things I’ve learned the last couple of weeks, besides my new found dislike of milkshakes is that when one gets the opportunity to pee – take it. I learned this the hard way on Thursday.  I was leaving work and should have darted into the ladies room, but decided to just wait as I was going right home.  Until I got I the car and the gas light came on.  So while I was filling up at CanuckyTire, I noticed the largest bird shit on my car, like seriously I was concerned for the bird.  I decided to go through the car wash.  I must have forgotten my need to pee, but oh shit did I remember as soon as I got stuck in the lineup.  I was committed to the line, no escape – all I could do was pray the guy in front of me didn’t go for the super deluxe 10 minute deal, but yeah – he did.  Did I mention the sound of water?  Yeah, that doesn’t help.  Finally got my turn and pretty much willing myself to not ruin the leather seats – although I did have a moment pondering what I’d need to do to clean them should the Hoover Dam break.  Thankfully the sound of the dryers started and I may have chirped my tires as I sped out of there, managing to bypass KFC’s aroma and get myself home.  Ever notice the need to pee is 10x worse as soon as you attempt to unlock the front door?  And why is it cats know to run directly in front of you all the way to the loo?  And why does a once simple button and zipper suddenly become a Houdini trick involving dance moves?  Made it though.  Moral of the story?  Listen to the call of nature!

Alright – I’ve WAY overshared.  Just you wait – I’ll probably have some good tooting stories after surgery that’ll put the above to shame.  I know – you’re holding your breath aren’t you?  Wise idea.

Dear Dudes posting Online dating profiles…

Alright.  So I’m trying to navigate myself through online dating.  I’m pretty sure my 18 year old self did not foresee this for my 44 year old self.  Actually, I’m pretty sure that at 18 I didn’t think I’d make it to 35, but that’s another story.  Online dating.  Wow.  What a spectacle of the bizarre.

I am trying to keep an open mind, and trying not to chalk up my “matches” to the logistics of living in rural SW Ontario.  How to put this kindly… Men – I did not know it was possible to use a mug shot as a dating profile photo.

Guys, let me help you out here.  Consider a few things when posting a file and creating a profile to post on your online dating ad as you seek the love of your life.

1. Lighting – Important to consider.  Make sure that the flash is on, or that you’re in a room with lights on, or even better, stand outside in the daylight.  If your photo looks dark and shadowy, it looks as though you’ve cut the hostages you have in your basement out of the photo.
2. Clothing – Didn’t think I’d have to mention this, but here it is.  How about wearing a clean shirt?  Or a shirt?  I love a good spontaneous photo for a profile picture – however if your photo is of you seconds after being hit in the face by a shitty cows’ tail – maybe rethink that choice.
3. Smile – These aren’t passport photos.  Seriously guys, look like you’re a fun, happy guy to spend time with!  If you think your expression and pose are saying “bad ass cool guy” it may actually be saying – “I rob Girl Guides of their cookies”.  And you know what?  If you’re missing a few teeth, it is okay to smile and still not look like you’ve never met a toothbrush.
4. Was 1988 your year of glory?  Because those acid wash jeans and Members’ Only jacket are a dead give away.  How about posting a photo from this decade?  Even better – this year?  Don’t even get me started on the mullet.  Just do us women a favour and use a photo that is at least a reasonable facsimile of what you look like today.
5. Your actual ad.  I’m not going to get into content… we’re all individuals and I can appreciate that everyone has their own idea on what to share with perfect strangers.  That said – check your spelling.  If a squiggly line appears under a word as you type it – you spelled it wrong.  Hold your mouse over the word and right click – and the computer will hopefully offer the right spelling for you to choose unless you royally fucked it up.  If this is the case – use a different word.  Your welcome.

Look guys, it’s simple.  Just be honest with who and what you are looking for.  This is basically you giving your best first impression to a woman (or man) that could be “the one”. Take the time to do a decent job.  You maybe surprised at how much more traffic your ad produces – which just increases your odds at finding that special someone.

Oh, and to the toothless guy who posed with the dead moose over the hood of his monster truck?  Yeah.. I don’t think any of the above is going to help you out.  Sorry.