It’s weird being in a body you don’t quite recognize.
I ‘ve often said my weight gain was to create an armour – protection against being hurt, being noticed and an effort to be invisible. Well bit by bit, the armour is falling off. People notice it more now in my face, and oddly my arms. It makes me chuckle when I read peoples faces. I can tell they notice something has changed, but can’t quite figure it out. Is it her hair? No, it’s still as wild as ever. Might be the new jeans? Maybe. Those happened out of necessity!
Speaking of jeans, shopping is a bit nerve racking. I’m down 2 sizes since August, which means my “tried and true” go-to outfits no longer fit – which is a good thing! I’m happy to see clothing I’ve HAD to wear go in a bag and off to Value Village. What do I mean by had? Well when you’re plus-size, there’s only so many stores you can shop in, and unfortunately the majority of “designers” are either men, never been overweight themselves, or just don’t care. Most plus-size clothing is expensive too, compared to regular size stores. As a result of being banished to the back right corner of women’s stores, in a see of horizontal stripes (seriously?), giant floral print (garden camouflage) and black – I really had zero sense of style. I just wore what fit, didn’t look too hideous, and hopefully looked nice.
Well that is slowly changing. I was in a store that had both plus and regular sizes, and found that I wasn’t fitting in my usual sizes anymore. So I ventured over to the regular sizes. No-woman’s land. I can’t really explain it unless you’ve lived it – but it’s a bit daunting. I was sure the voice of Gandalf would make me pee my too big jeans (and underwear) with a “You Shall Not Pass!” Didn’t happen (would have been cool if it did though!). I kept expecting the sales lady to pop out of the sweater display to tell me to get back to the right corner amongst the clothing with X’s on it. Didn’t happen. I kept looking at the other shoppers, expecting the incredulous looks of “what the hell is SHE doing here?” Didn’t happen. Nope, none of it happened. I was actually able to shop and FIT into clothes I wanted. WANTED! Ok I couldn’t afford them but whatever, that’s not the point, I was finally able to enter a realm of shopping possibilities that has been closed to me since the days of Chip & Pepper. Yes, that long ago.
I do have a style. It’s slowly developing, but yeah, there’s a definite rocker chick in me. Perhaps a bit of a bohemian too. Jeans are for sure my jam. I will never wear (gasp) SLACKS again. Typing “slacks” makes me think of another funny word – “brazier” (giggle), something else I’ve had to buy. Kinda cheesed that my girls are shrinking but should I ever want to start jogging, I might end up with just a fat lip rather than a black eye.
It’s fun discovering who I am again. More importantly not just what clothes do I fit in, but how does this new me fit into the world? Fun adventures ahead, and without the armour!
Here To EATernity 