So Gandalf & I go shopping together…

It’s weird being in a body you don’t quite recognize.

I ‘ve often said my weight gain was to create an armour – protection against being hurt, being noticed and an effort to be invisible.  Well bit by bit, the armour is falling off.  People notice it more now in my face, and oddly my arms.  It makes me chuckle when I read peoples faces.  I can tell they notice something has changed, but can’t quite figure it out.  Is it her hair?  No, it’s still as wild as ever.  Might be the new jeans?  Maybe.  Those happened out of necessity!

Speaking of jeans, shopping is a bit nerve racking.  I’m down 2 sizes since August, which means my “tried and true” go-to outfits no longer fit – which is a good thing!  I’m happy to see clothing I’ve HAD to wear go in a bag and off to Value Village.  What do I mean by had?  Well when you’re plus-size, there’s only so many stores you can shop in, and unfortunately the majority of “designers” are either men, never been overweight themselves, or just don’t care.  Most plus-size clothing is expensive too, compared to regular size stores.  As a result of being banished to the back right corner of women’s stores, in a see of horizontal stripes (seriously?), giant floral print (garden camouflage) and black – I really had zero sense of style.  I just wore what fit, didn’t look too hideous, and hopefully looked nice.

Well that is slowly changing.  I was in a store that had both plus and regular sizes, and found that I wasn’t fitting in my usual sizes anymore.  So I ventured over to the regular sizes.  No-woman’s land.  I can’t really explain it unless you’ve lived it – but it’s a bit daunting.  I was sure the voice of Gandalf would make me pee my too big jeans (and underwear) with a “You Shall Not Pass!”  Didn’t happen (would have been cool if it did though!).  I kept expecting the sales lady to pop out of the sweater display to tell me to get back to the right corner amongst the clothing with X’s on it.  Didn’t happen.  I kept looking at the other shoppers, expecting the incredulous looks of “what the hell is SHE doing here?”  Didn’t happen.  Nope, none of it happened.  I was actually able to shop and FIT into clothes I wanted.  WANTED!  Ok I couldn’t afford them but whatever, that’s not the point, I was finally able to enter a realm of shopping possibilities that has been closed to me since the days of Chip & Pepper.  Yes, that long ago.

I do have a style.  It’s slowly developing, but yeah, there’s a definite rocker chick in me.  Perhaps a bit of a bohemian too.  Jeans are for sure my jam.  I will never wear (gasp) SLACKS again.  Typing “slacks” makes me think of another funny word – “brazier” (giggle), something else I’ve had to buy.  Kinda cheesed that my girls are shrinking but should I ever want to start jogging, I might end up with just a fat lip rather than a black eye.

It’s fun discovering who I am again.  More importantly not just what clothes do I fit in, but how does this new me fit into the world?  Fun adventures ahead, and without the armour!

Random list of weight loss thoughts…

Oookay.  So this is just a bunch of random thoughts, success, observations and things….

• Saying goodbye to 4 prong bras.
• Having to buy new underwear because the old ones hang funny and look like I pooped my pants.
• Realizing I have clavicles.
• Lost a chin somewhere.  I do not want it back.
• My ass fits in Muskoka chairs – no more fear of standing up with a chair stuck to my ass.
• I don’t like cottage cheese.
• Sunbutter is THE shit, especially on Ryveta.
• Scrambled eggs are icky now.
• My boobs are shrinking.  I’m actually a bit sad about this.  Nowhere to balance my tea cup when lying down.
• My bed is uncomfortable now – missing the extra padding.  Well, not really MISSING per se… but sleeping in eludes me.
• Senior citizens appreciate my “good mornings” and waves as I walk around Owen Sound.  My middle finger and “fack you buddy” not as much.
• Owen Sound has a zombie.  I see him all the time.  Tall, skinny and walks without his arms moving.  Creeps me out.
• Little dogs have barked and attempted to bite more than big drooly dogs.  Little dogs also run fast when I start barking back.
• I miss guzzling water.
• I don’t miss junk food – I know the difference between habit, need and head hunger.
• I have a bunch of 2x and 3x clothing for sale including a killer faux leather jacket & denim jacket.
• My shoes are loose.  Shopping might need to happen.
• I am losing weight a little at a time.  It’s hard to get used to accepting that this is really happening.  That the weight is coming off – it’s not just a fluke.  Believing that this is only the beginning – the best is yet to come.

More randomness I am sure will come…

Days of future paths…

In my elementary school we had a “chip trail” that went around the entire huge perimeter of the school grounds.  Almost every day the majority of students went down to our wood-paneled gym and did aerobics, followed by at least one lap of that chip trail.  I don’t recall the distance a lap was, but it was decent.  It crossed grassy & gravel fields, past playgrounds, the hills we’d toboggan down in 1 inch of snow and best of all – through the cool leafy tunnel of trees and bush that surrounded the furthest part of the path.  I loved this part of the chip trail.  It’s where I could pick up speed as I went downhill, letting my long legs propel me and carry me past other students.  We kids didn’t have to look down at our feet, we all knew that trail like sure-footed deer.  Just running, breathing deep and feeling strong and healthy. We were FIT kids.

Those days come to mind as I am out walking every morning and often afternoon.  My legs are remembering what it’s like to feel strong and capable to carry me across long distances.  I love my walks.  No chip trail here, but the view and smells are no less appealing.  Past century old homes with intricate stained glass windows and gingerbread woodwork, admiring the colourful gardens of my neighbours and along the river that cuts through the centre of town.  I so miss the water.  I enjoy watching the sleeping ducks, the curmudgeonly old men with their bent cigarettes clamped between weather worn faces, and the multi-generation families sitting together fishing.  I’ll say “good morning” to those who look like they’d welcome it, and may have given the finger to one cyclist who almost ran over a ladies dog.

I have a new appreciation for my physical ability.  I always knew I was a strong woman – mentally and physically, but now I am really feeling it.  I’m seeing the results of my efforts and every day my endurance gets better and better.  I can feel my confidence starting to return.  I find myself standing taller.  I love who I am becoming.

This new path isn’t lined with wood chips, the shades of green that are unique to the Sunshine Coast, or the smell of the salt air, but it’s a good path nonetheless.  I’m on a good path forward, toward a healthier, stronger and perhaps even wiser life and these 44-year-old legs are ready for it.